Mr. T

• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mr. T could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo because he couldn’t speak English and Mr. T wouldn’t lower himself to speak French.
• Statistically speaking, you are more likely to be pitied by Mr. T than you are to have feet.
• When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terrorism Threat Level is raised to Gold.
• Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.
• Mr. T has made only one prediction in his life: pain. He was 100% accurate.
• Mr. T once said, “There is no I in team, but there is a T! Fool!!” THis was at a motivational speaking conference and it was the entirety of his lecture.
• Mr. T was present at the wedding in Cana when Jesus turned water into wine. Not to be outdone, Mr. T took Jesus’s wine and turned it into funk.
• Mr. T once punched Jesus in the face just to prove that he could.
• In the director’s cut of Rocky III, Mr. T not only defeats Rocky. . . he tears his arm off and beats Adrian to death with it.
• Mr. T will sometimes tease Jesus because it took him three whole days to rise from the dead.
• The first alphabet consisted of only the letters M, R and T. Other letters eventually had to be created in order to describe things that were not, in fact, awesome.
• Mr. T’s autobiography, So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity, was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heart-warming and inspiring tales of Mr. T over coming his fear of flying and his battle with gold addiction – as well as the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a fifty-five-drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.
• When Mr. T goes to kick a field goal, he has to aim for goalposts in a different stadium, just to make it fair.
• A random onlooker once taunted Mr. T. Mr. T responded by hitting the man so hard that both his parents died.
• Mr. T once punched a double-decker bus so hard that it crapped out a Mini Cooper.
• God didn’t create the world, he only drew the blueprints. Mr. T built the world with his bare hands, an acetylene torch, and a fifty-five-gallon drum.
• According to Mr. T, Jibba Jabba is the official language of 99.9% of the world’s population.
• Mr. T was once the judge at an interpretive dance competition. He found them guilty.
• The only reason The A-Team was cancelled was that it cost more than $2 million an episode in special effects to create the illusion that it had taken Mr. T a whole twenty-six minutes to defeat some bad guys.
• Mr. T’s full name is Dr. Mr. T because he has a Ph.D. in Being the Greatest Man Alive.
• At his current pace, Mr. T will have pitied every man, woman, and child ever born by the year 2012. At that point, he will ascend to heaven to take his rightful place as God’s bouncer.
• Mr. T’s umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain. The medallion didn’t grow in until he was six months old.
• When he heard that Sylvester Stallone was planning to make Rocky VI, Mr. T said, “This time I really do pity the fool.”
• The only thing blacker than Mr. T’s skin is his heart.
• Mr. T has both the right to bear arms and the right to bare arms.
• Mr. T can count to tenn left-handed.
• Special relativity applies in two cases: when you pass the event horizon of a black hole, and while walking within thirth feet of Mr. T.
• Sometimes Mr. T gets up in the middle of night and lifts weights in his sleep.
• Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That’s whyu he can only kick through doors.
• Mr. T once gave the Smurfs a beatdown so bad they were forced to relocate underwater and become the Snorks.
• Mr. T has wond every game of Yahtzee and Bingo, but has never uttered either word.
• King Kong once challenged Godzilla to an arm-wrestling match. Mr. T won.
• Mr. T was supposed to be on the American dollar bill, but the bill would become so valuable that no one but Mr. T could afford it.
• If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.
• There is not and never will be a Mrs. T.
• The last time Mr. T uttered the words “I pity the fool,” a man in Colorado suddenly died for no reason.
• E=Mr. T²