Chuck Norris

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  http://nochucknorris.com

• When an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Guns don’t kill people, Chuck Norris does.
• Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
• Chuck Norris killed the pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.
• Chuck Norris is strong enoug to punch through steel, yet delicate enough to cradle a newborn to sleep.
• Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
• Chuck Norris is so smart, Stephen Hawking stood up to bow down to him.
• Ever see the Grand Canyon? Chuck Norris had nothing to do with it, he just went there once on a family vacation.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Hence the term “C-section.”
• Chuck Norris can fit five billiard balls in his mouth.
• Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
• In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for a while scene and nobody noticed.
• Chuck Norris once shot a German plance down with his finger by pointing at it and yelling “Bang!”
• Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples.
• Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.
• Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.
• Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you won’t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it’s getting late, he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
• Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese villiage.
• Chuck Norris had no costars on the set of Walker, Texas Ranger. He played every role, even the hot chick.
• Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’s house is a Total Gym.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris was the Jewish Humanitarian of the Year. (Seriously.)
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
• Chuck Norris was once accused of heresy by the pop, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true son of God.
• Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every week.
• A man once told Chuck Norris there was no wrong way to eat a Reese’s. Chuck Norris promptly showed him that tehre was by killing the man’s wife with it.
• Chuck Norris hates Native Americans, even thought he’s part Native American himself. Chuck Norris also hates irony.
• Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.
• Rather than take showers, Chuck Norris rides a nine-foot grizzly bear through a car wash.
• The famous video footage of Sasquatch is acutally Chuck Norris returning to his woodland home.
• Chuck Norris stole your bike.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t laugh, he sues.
• Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are secretly married. Norris wears the pants.
• Chuck Norris feels no attraction to men or women, only hyperintelligent shades of blue.
• Chuck Norris accidently created Optimus Prime while trying to come up with a prototype for the Total Gym.
• If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
• The Chinese ideogram for “Chuck Norris” depics the heaen above, growing a beard.
• God once made a rock so big that not even he could lift it, thus answering the ledgendary philosophical question. Chuck Norris not only lifted this rock, but he also karate chopped it so hard that it fragmented and formed the progressive rock group Yes.
• A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series MacGyver. Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
• Chuck Norris coined the phrase “I could eat a horse” after he ate the last unicorn in existance.
• In 1979, Chuck Norris became the first black man to win the New York City Marathon.
• Chuck Norris ate the last piece of pizza. What are you gonna do about it?
• If you disagree with Chuck Norris he’ll karate chop you into a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he’ll round-house kick you into a quabillion.
• Chuck Norris can beat a brick wall in tennis.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris represents the East Side, but has the West Coast rappers under his control, too.
• If you watch Walker, Texas Ranger closely, you’ll notice taht Chuck Norris uses violence only as a last resort, or when the world goes into slow motion.
• If you paint one painting, you’re not a painter. But Chuck Norris baked one cake, and he currently hold the title of World’s Best Baker.
• Chuck Norris is a man’s man’s man.
• Chuck Norris made killing cool. Before everybody was like, “Killing? Yeah, right!” But now everybody is like “Sweet!”
• Chuck Norris was actually Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream.
• In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.
• Chuck Norris is just like Jesus, except Chuck Norris won’t die for your sins. Instead, you’ll die for his.
• There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris eats three square meals a day. His beard eats seven.
• When Chuck Norris roundhose kicks you, he tears a hole in the fabric of space and time, which sucks you into a parllel universe filled with Chuck Norrises, all waiting to roundhose kick you.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need a weapon, he IS one.
• Whenever Chuck Norris sees a Best Buy, he burns is to the ground, because he firmly believes that a Total Gym for three easy payments of $19.99 is the best buy you’ll ever find.
• Chuck Norris was to appear in the Stree Fighter II video game, but was removed by programmers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• Chuck Norris can mathematicaly make two wrongs equal a right.
• Chuck Norris eats dinosaur bones and craps out high-grade petroleum.
• Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.
• Every wall in Chuck Norris’s house is a mirror because Chuck Norris must always be surrounded by beauty.
• Jesus’s birthday isn’t December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card on that day. Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth, and that’s why we celebrate Christmas.
• Scientists have attempted to calculate the statistical possibility of anyone beating Chuck Norris. The sheer impossiblily of this task has caused many of the scientists to develp symptoms of severe foot-shaped bruising to the face.
• It is said you can’t know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he’d kill you if you touched his shoes.
• Chuck Norris will eat your sould for a Klondike Bar.
• In five hundred years, pure energy will be observable under a very sophisticated microscope. When viewed, you will be able to see millions of Chuck Norrises doing roundhouse kicks nonstop at an incredible rate. When this happens, Chuck will emerge from his grave after a long sleep, stretch his arms, and casually say, “I cannot be created or destroyed.”
• Chuck Norris is no longer a noun; it is a verb.
• Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life.
• The only word in the English language that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t know the meaning of wartime – all he knows is game time.
• When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light, because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.
• Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
• Chuck Norris CAN find a needle in a haystack, and then kill a man with the needle. . . or the haystack.
• Chuck Norris constructed his own iPod by staring intensely at ten thousand country-western bands until they fearfully compacted themselves into a 2x4x1/2-inch white rectangle.
• Chuck Norris is so cool that the Pope has a fish decal on his car with the word Norris inside. 
• Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
• Chuck Norris tells time by staring directly into the sun.
• For every man you don’t kill, Chuck Norris kills seven.
• Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.
• Every four years, Chuck Norris beats another twenty-four hours into February.
• God wanted ten days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him six.
• If Chuck Norris was an animal, he would be a Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris burned his eyeballs out with cigarettes just to prove to some eighth-grade students that smoking is dangerous.
• The great Chicago fire of 1871 was not in fact, started by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow. The fire was started by Chuck Norris when he discovered that deep-dish pizza had not yet been invented.
• Two and a Half Men was originally a show only about Chuck Norris.
• If MacGyver and Chuck Norris were locked in a room together, Chuck would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
• Not only does Chuck Norris talk in third person, he sees in the third person.
• Life is likea  box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
• On Chuck Norris’s doghouse there is a sticker that says BEWARE OF CHUCK NORRIS.
• Chuck Norris played the tornado in the movie Twister.
• When you ask Chuck Norris for an autograph, he burns his name onto your soul with his eye lasers.
• If at first you don’t succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
• The phrase MADE BY CHUCK NORRIS is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
• The term TGIF was coined when statisticians found that Friday is the day with the lowest number or deaths caused by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
• Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
• The McRib sandwich comes back only when Chuck Norris is in the mood for one.
• When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is positive, fist is negative.
• Chuck Norris was disqualified from the 1992 Olympic shot-put championship for reversing the polarity of Earth.
• When everyone made paper airplanes as a child, Chuck Norris made paper beards.
• The Chuck Norris action figure is responsible for 84 percent of all cases of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
• Before Chuck Norris was born, people cried only out of happiness.
• Chuck Norris won a car on The Price is Right by guessing that a can of tuna was worth $9,534.
• Chuck Norris can peel potatoes with his eyelids.
• Chuck Norris will make you an offer you can’t refuse, and then make you refuse it.
• The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
• God recently converted to Chucktianity.
• If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean: Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
• Chuck Norris never retreats, He just attacks in the opposite direction.
• Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
• Chuck Norris defeated the Cyclops by punching him between the eye.
• Chuck Norris puts the rage in courage.
• When you’re Chuck Norris, anything plus anything is equal to one. One roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist, because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist, because they have no teeth.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’s victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids who memorize numbers.
• What happens when an irresistible force meets and immovable object?? Only Chuck Norris and Mr. T will ever know.